I have so much to say.
Mostly because I find this is the only place I can actually say it.

Okay, my life.
It's been out of control.
I've been losing myself.
I've been so stressed, so overwhelmed by everything.

Basically, everything with school and Uni and UCAS and work and things with my friends and deadlines and MS CORP have just been stressing me out to no end. I feel like I have too much to do and too little time to do it.

I feel like the future is descending upon me and I have no control over the speed at which I am flung headfirst into the unknown.

I am scared.
So scared.

And I've been ill.
Which is probably cause or effect.
For those who don't do psychology - have I been ill from the stress or has the illness just added to my stress?
But anyway, the times I'm not stressing, I'm throwing up.
It has not been fun.


But then.
Inside all of this crazy torment and confusion and fear.
It's strange how you can get everything you need.
The day I am the most scared of my life, the world turns around and gives me hope.
In the form of the one person who can hear me, understand me, even when I'm not with them.
I thankyou them so much for their words.
...your words.

They were just what I needed to hear. Read. Know.

But then.
It was one day.
And never mentioned again.
I wonder if I simply imagined it?
Another of my sickness-induced delusions.
Tell me you really cried as you wrote those words; tell me it's true.

Even if it wasn't, I can remember my dream and smile.
For it was so lifelike.
And I'll never forget the way I felt that day.

And now.
I have this music.
Finding release in music, my life feels better.
Just tell me, Saint Veronika, that you will always be there for me.

Hold onto us.

It inspired me to draw, to write, to find myself again.



And now.
I have done my UCAS.
I have given up worrying.
I have realised it doesn't help at all.
I have made lists and goals.
And have, in this moment, decided to turn my life around.

I hope it works.
For right now.
I feel... peaceful.
I am not panicked.
And I never want to lose this feeling.


oxXxo


...White Sparrows Fell From Heaven And Carried Her Away...
...You're so beautiful, it hurts slightly...
...So be strong enough, to hold onto us...




EDIT:
I've just got back from trampolining, which makes me happy anyway.
But recently I've been struggling to do front drops properly, because my body just refuses to do them.
I just have an underlying fear of landing on my face.

But today, in this mood, I did them. And they felt good.
When you get a move right, it feels amazing <3

I feel so calm.
Even him, that boy, he is not stressing me out.
I'm not angry or bitter or jealous.
I'm talking to him about you and... feeling calm.
I'm talking to him about theatre.
And I'm not worrying for myself.


Oh and I forgot to say, I love some of the teachers at my school.
I had had a little breakdown, then went to see Ms Barrett about my personal statement.
She realised I was about to burst into tears again over the stuff I needed to re-do on it, so she helped me through it line by line, helping me re-draft it.
She then said that I was welcome anytime for a cup of tea and a chat.
I said I needed a cup of tea right then.
She asked if I had a free, I replied I had art.
She asked what room I was in, then sent me on my way.

Later on, she turned up in my art class, handed me a cup of tea and told me to keep smiling [:
I love the little things <3